Things i can only write here.

Well this is my therapy spot cuz i can write here and no one knows. 

Honey is out of jail.  He has only 5 weeks left of probation.  His alcoholism has been so-so.  He got a great job, only home on weekends.  This is week 2, first paycheck.  I spent all weekend hearing how when he has a good job he has always bought stuff for the house, lits of groceries, spent money on his ex, gave her half the paycheck.  I was hopeful but hesitant. 

He called and told me tomorrow at 2pm he'd have most of his pay wired to me.  He only needed $150 (hotel and meals are paid for him).  I could pay back my parents, buy food, fans, mother's day gift. 

He called again....3:30am.  Drunk, down bar hopping (he doesn't do that, he's a buy beer at beer store cheap ass drinker).  He blew a lot of the money.  Only going to send $200.  Wants to phone my parents and delay repaying. 

I'm in tears.  Why am I not worthy of the same treatment as his ex?  The ex who cheated, stabbed him....I feel like shit.  I feel let down.  And I feel embarrassed about not paying my parents back.  I'll buy the minimum of what I need and pay them what I can. 

Dear Honey, how's your addictions going.  My feelings are really hurt but I can't tell you that.  Addition makes you selfish and retaliatory.  If I do, you'll screw me over and leave me with nothing even though your the reason I'm broke right now. 

*reality*
Dear Honey, can you please send more, I really want to pay my parents at least half, I can do without.  I love you.  Are you going to be doing more bar trips? (No) good I hope not.  Please be careful.  I don't want you to go back to jail especially in another city.  Please come home safely. 

Dear Honey, a funny Valentine

If your Honey is inside then holiday cards, birthdays etc have to be planned in advance so they arrive at the jail or pen and make it through the mailroom and arrive in time. 

I like to send multiples.  Sweet, romantic, insightful, caring and funny.  Over kill?  Maybe on the outside but on the inside things are harder and what's left unsaid can hurt. 

Funny needs to be funny yet not hurtful.  They need to see the love through it.  I didn't find anything that said funny for Valentine's in that right way.  Then I remembered St Valentine was in jail too and then my inspiration came. 

Dear Honey

"So your impersonating St. Valentine for me this year?"

"Very romantic <3  but let's say next year you just take me to the movies"

"Love Always Your Honey Bunny"

See the reference to next year?  A little note to remind him I see there being a next year.  And its a suggestion not a "you better or else". 

Dear Honey, thanks for buying toilet paper before getting arrested

Haha, yes I'm the girl but I am also the one who always forgets toilet paper.  Honey felt he was spiraling towards jail so he came home one day with a club pack of tp and said this should last, and if I go to jail you'll need it.  He thinks its funny that I forget tp.  I find it annoying but he has a better sense of humour lol. 

And so this is only a 65 day stint but I still haven't had to buy tp.  When he did it I posted on Facebook "love my Honey, he bought me tp!" Lol.

Dear Honey, thank-you again for buying the club pack of tp.  We still have some.  I'm gonna try real hard to remember to buy another so when you come home we are as well stocked as when you went in lol. 

Yea it's a different kinda of suck when your Honey anticipates going to jail and doesn't get off the path taking him there.  But that's life when loving a struggling alcoholic.  At least he tries his best to make the home ready should he fall that hard.  There are times he pulls it together and doesn't go.  But times like these when he doesn't recover from his fall I have these small reminders around the house that let me know he did his best to put us first in the little ways when the big ways were just to big for him to conquer this time.  And I know he will get back on that horse and try again. 

Dear Honey, missing you

I was gonna have a call with my Honey today out at my parents.  But we are having a snowstorm so I couldn't go.  Then they had phone issues so they missed the call too and couldn't tell him.  This kinda thing upsets me worrying about how it makes him feel.  I get stressed, I cry, I hurt inside.  Then I pull myself together remembering the words in his letter
Dear Honey Bunny, I love you and I know you know this just as I know you love me....
Awe...and what makes this comforting is that reminder not just that he loves me but that we both know we love each other. 
My parents are having me out for Valentines day so we can have a v-day talk.  Honey and I are very fortunate to have supportive parents

Dear Honey, A look back to a funny story

Dear Honey; remember when...

So during the first stint Honey did in our relationship he was in a long time.  At one point he gave someone a really good beating that required him to have surgery on his hand.  Must have been meant to be but for some reason he knew when he was being taken into the hospital in our city and was able to tell me.  At this point we didn't have a baby and my other kids are teens so if I wanted to be out all day I could.  Just needed to leave dinner prepped for them to heat in the oven. 
And so I went to the hospital.  Toured the place looking for signs if a prisoner present and was around long enough to realize there was a code called out before taking a prisoner out to the paddy wagon to return to jail or prison.  I managed to discover what room he was in.  I called but knowing they wouldn't let him talk I used a code name.  There is a movie with a character whose name is very similar to his and we tease him and call him that.  I called and when a guard answered I asked for code name Honey.  The guard unsure if he heard correctly repeated the name.  Honey called out "No (code name) here but I'm sure he loves you." Lol.  Later I wandered down the hall leaning on a wheel chair (looking all patient like lol) his door was open and we were able to smile at each other.  Another pass and a guard said he didn't want to see me around again.  So I wait in the lobby, take a walk in the garage, one paddy wagon left.  I go back to the lobby.  Its getting late.  Meet a woman who was an addictions councillor for 15 years but fell back off the wagon and got sick.  Girls call, supper is ready, what's up with Honey, can they come.  I figure its best to go home rather then have them come.  I ask the Lady to place a sticky with a heart (one Honey will recognize as drawn by me) on the door just so when she hears the code and xxx room number.  She says she would love to help. So i hand her the sticky.  I go home.  A week later I get a letter:
Dear Honey Bunny, I got your heart. 

Dear Honey, I feel broken without you

Dear Honey, I feel broken without you.  Numb, no drive, no motivation.  I don't know what's going on at the jail, if your getting letters yet, what's on your mind.  With no communication since I saw you in court and there was that couple minutes to look into each others eyes while the judge left for his chambers and you could say "I love you".  I want to know how you are.  That you have letters.  That you don't feel as broken as me.

It is hard having your loved one in jail. There are a few times when this is hardest.  The beginning before mail starts moving smoothly back and forth.  For me and Honey this has been prolonged by the unknown transfer.  Usually we know it's coming.  We are prepared.  Not this time.  If your Honey gets really down on himself and feels he isn't "good enough" for you.  If your is in the hole.  Near the end when each say seems twice as long from anticipation and your nerves are shot wondering about the future and if it will be smooth.  And when the doubters talk. 

Worry is your enemy.  I know this but I don't know how to fight it.  I try to remind myself that Honey deals with this better then me.  That Honey would know better then me that communication would temporarily be out.  That Honey has never lost a jail fight.  That Honey is better at this then me.  I pray that I get to visit next week, that a letter arrives or a message comes in to my parents.

It hurts and I have no control with Honey in the system.  I need to let this be an exercise in trusting in Honey's abilities and strengths to get through this.

Dear Honey, Your on lockdown

So I was all excited to visit Honey today.  Called ahead and found out his unit will be on planned lockdown starting in the afternoon. 

Its a huge disappointment, it always is.  And this is the second planned visit to not happen. 

Then I learned the lockdown was planned as part of gaurds striking.  Of course they can't walk off the job so they are doing actions like this.  Of course I'm upset cuz it effects my Honey and our family.  But I'm really upset cuz it isn't an action that means a damn to anyone other them inmates and their families.  Do they think the government cares if inmates are on lockdown?  Do they think the general public cares and will pressure the government to get a contract with them?  No!  The general population doesn't care, the only es who do don't have enough of a voice to help get them their contract. 

My biggest and unanswered concern is will this effect mail? 

Dear Honey, I tried to visit but your unit was on lockdown.  I don't know how long it will last or how frequent it will be.  Its hard to get a drive to your jail cuz of the distance.  I will try and find another and hope I can visit then.  I hope there is no disruption in the mail.  I miss you and more then anything else I want you to know that.