Things i can only write here.

Well this is my therapy spot cuz i can write here and no one knows. 

Honey is out of jail.  He has only 5 weeks left of probation.  His alcoholism has been so-so.  He got a great job, only home on weekends.  This is week 2, first paycheck.  I spent all weekend hearing how when he has a good job he has always bought stuff for the house, lits of groceries, spent money on his ex, gave her half the paycheck.  I was hopeful but hesitant. 

He called and told me tomorrow at 2pm he'd have most of his pay wired to me.  He only needed $150 (hotel and meals are paid for him).  I could pay back my parents, buy food, fans, mother's day gift. 

He called again....3:30am.  Drunk, down bar hopping (he doesn't do that, he's a buy beer at beer store cheap ass drinker).  He blew a lot of the money.  Only going to send $200.  Wants to phone my parents and delay repaying. 

I'm in tears.  Why am I not worthy of the same treatment as his ex?  The ex who cheated, stabbed him....I feel like shit.  I feel let down.  And I feel embarrassed about not paying my parents back.  I'll buy the minimum of what I need and pay them what I can. 

Dear Honey, how's your addictions going.  My feelings are really hurt but I can't tell you that.  Addition makes you selfish and retaliatory.  If I do, you'll screw me over and leave me with nothing even though your the reason I'm broke right now. 

*reality*
Dear Honey, can you please send more, I really want to pay my parents at least half, I can do without.  I love you.  Are you going to be doing more bar trips? (No) good I hope not.  Please be careful.  I don't want you to go back to jail especially in another city.  Please come home safely. 

Dear Honey, a funny Valentine

If your Honey is inside then holiday cards, birthdays etc have to be planned in advance so they arrive at the jail or pen and make it through the mailroom and arrive in time. 

I like to send multiples.  Sweet, romantic, insightful, caring and funny.  Over kill?  Maybe on the outside but on the inside things are harder and what's left unsaid can hurt. 

Funny needs to be funny yet not hurtful.  They need to see the love through it.  I didn't find anything that said funny for Valentine's in that right way.  Then I remembered St Valentine was in jail too and then my inspiration came. 

Dear Honey

"So your impersonating St. Valentine for me this year?"

"Very romantic <3  but let's say next year you just take me to the movies"

"Love Always Your Honey Bunny"

See the reference to next year?  A little note to remind him I see there being a next year.  And its a suggestion not a "you better or else". 

Dear Honey, thanks for buying toilet paper before getting arrested

Haha, yes I'm the girl but I am also the one who always forgets toilet paper.  Honey felt he was spiraling towards jail so he came home one day with a club pack of tp and said this should last, and if I go to jail you'll need it.  He thinks its funny that I forget tp.  I find it annoying but he has a better sense of humour lol. 

And so this is only a 65 day stint but I still haven't had to buy tp.  When he did it I posted on Facebook "love my Honey, he bought me tp!" Lol.

Dear Honey, thank-you again for buying the club pack of tp.  We still have some.  I'm gonna try real hard to remember to buy another so when you come home we are as well stocked as when you went in lol. 

Yea it's a different kinda of suck when your Honey anticipates going to jail and doesn't get off the path taking him there.  But that's life when loving a struggling alcoholic.  At least he tries his best to make the home ready should he fall that hard.  There are times he pulls it together and doesn't go.  But times like these when he doesn't recover from his fall I have these small reminders around the house that let me know he did his best to put us first in the little ways when the big ways were just to big for him to conquer this time.  And I know he will get back on that horse and try again. 

Dear Honey, missing you

I was gonna have a call with my Honey today out at my parents.  But we are having a snowstorm so I couldn't go.  Then they had phone issues so they missed the call too and couldn't tell him.  This kinda thing upsets me worrying about how it makes him feel.  I get stressed, I cry, I hurt inside.  Then I pull myself together remembering the words in his letter
Dear Honey Bunny, I love you and I know you know this just as I know you love me....
Awe...and what makes this comforting is that reminder not just that he loves me but that we both know we love each other. 
My parents are having me out for Valentines day so we can have a v-day talk.  Honey and I are very fortunate to have supportive parents

Dear Honey, A look back to a funny story

Dear Honey; remember when...

So during the first stint Honey did in our relationship he was in a long time.  At one point he gave someone a really good beating that required him to have surgery on his hand.  Must have been meant to be but for some reason he knew when he was being taken into the hospital in our city and was able to tell me.  At this point we didn't have a baby and my other kids are teens so if I wanted to be out all day I could.  Just needed to leave dinner prepped for them to heat in the oven. 
And so I went to the hospital.  Toured the place looking for signs if a prisoner present and was around long enough to realize there was a code called out before taking a prisoner out to the paddy wagon to return to jail or prison.  I managed to discover what room he was in.  I called but knowing they wouldn't let him talk I used a code name.  There is a movie with a character whose name is very similar to his and we tease him and call him that.  I called and when a guard answered I asked for code name Honey.  The guard unsure if he heard correctly repeated the name.  Honey called out "No (code name) here but I'm sure he loves you." Lol.  Later I wandered down the hall leaning on a wheel chair (looking all patient like lol) his door was open and we were able to smile at each other.  Another pass and a guard said he didn't want to see me around again.  So I wait in the lobby, take a walk in the garage, one paddy wagon left.  I go back to the lobby.  Its getting late.  Meet a woman who was an addictions councillor for 15 years but fell back off the wagon and got sick.  Girls call, supper is ready, what's up with Honey, can they come.  I figure its best to go home rather then have them come.  I ask the Lady to place a sticky with a heart (one Honey will recognize as drawn by me) on the door just so when she hears the code and xxx room number.  She says she would love to help. So i hand her the sticky.  I go home.  A week later I get a letter:
Dear Honey Bunny, I got your heart. 

Dear Honey, I feel broken without you

Dear Honey, I feel broken without you.  Numb, no drive, no motivation.  I don't know what's going on at the jail, if your getting letters yet, what's on your mind.  With no communication since I saw you in court and there was that couple minutes to look into each others eyes while the judge left for his chambers and you could say "I love you".  I want to know how you are.  That you have letters.  That you don't feel as broken as me.

It is hard having your loved one in jail. There are a few times when this is hardest.  The beginning before mail starts moving smoothly back and forth.  For me and Honey this has been prolonged by the unknown transfer.  Usually we know it's coming.  We are prepared.  Not this time.  If your Honey gets really down on himself and feels he isn't "good enough" for you.  If your is in the hole.  Near the end when each say seems twice as long from anticipation and your nerves are shot wondering about the future and if it will be smooth.  And when the doubters talk. 

Worry is your enemy.  I know this but I don't know how to fight it.  I try to remind myself that Honey deals with this better then me.  That Honey would know better then me that communication would temporarily be out.  That Honey has never lost a jail fight.  That Honey is better at this then me.  I pray that I get to visit next week, that a letter arrives or a message comes in to my parents.

It hurts and I have no control with Honey in the system.  I need to let this be an exercise in trusting in Honey's abilities and strengths to get through this.

Dear Honey, Your on lockdown

So I was all excited to visit Honey today.  Called ahead and found out his unit will be on planned lockdown starting in the afternoon. 

Its a huge disappointment, it always is.  And this is the second planned visit to not happen. 

Then I learned the lockdown was planned as part of gaurds striking.  Of course they can't walk off the job so they are doing actions like this.  Of course I'm upset cuz it effects my Honey and our family.  But I'm really upset cuz it isn't an action that means a damn to anyone other them inmates and their families.  Do they think the government cares if inmates are on lockdown?  Do they think the general public cares and will pressure the government to get a contract with them?  No!  The general population doesn't care, the only es who do don't have enough of a voice to help get them their contract. 

My biggest and unanswered concern is will this effect mail? 

Dear Honey, I tried to visit but your unit was on lockdown.  I don't know how long it will last or how frequent it will be.  Its hard to get a drive to your jail cuz of the distance.  I will try and find another and hope I can visit then.  I hope there is no disruption in the mail.  I miss you and more then anything else I want you to know that. 

Dear Honey, I stalked the mailman today - the art of mail

Dear Honey, your letters mean more to me then you know.  They mean as much to me as my letters mean to you.  I stalk the mailman in anticipation of their arrival.  I dream of floral envelopes with calligraphy script.  I can't help it, I'm crazy for you, literally it seems.  Lol.  And I just wanted you to know how appreciated the time is you spend on each letter and envelope.  You are worth the very hard struggles ahead of us as you fight your addiction on the outside.  Believe in that. 

Letter writing is a dying art, except between the cells of inmates and homes of their loved ones. 

Inmates love visits and phone calls but mail is the ultimate gift.  When a call or visit ends they are left with just the memory.  And inside memories can be distorted especially by those jealous who did not receive a visit.  But a letter can be re read, held onto, it isn't taken away after 20min.  The words cannot be altered. 

For the loved one on the outside the exact same applies.  All the doubters asking "why wait,  blah blah blah". Can be ignored in those pages.  Those on the outside might not be physically locked up but our hearts are.  Letter writing needs to be a two way street. 

If this is your first time with a loved one locked up those letters have both bitter and sweet surprise. 

The corrections system is full of  talented artists of many mediums.  One such medium is envelope art with pictures and even decorative script.  I will share two such pics (minus the script cuz that's our names and address lol).  This is a real treat.  If your Honey isn't artistic they may trade to have someone create such an envelope for them to give you.  Sometimes the guys also buy cards from canteen.  Its a small variety so if you get a repeat that's why. 

Share the love.  Send back drawings (artistic or funny stick cartoons).  Send puzzles, create personalized crosswords, ink hand prints, jokes, humor, love, tears, paper hearts. and cards with no glitter, glue etc.

  
This is the sweetness if an old fashioned kind of love we need.  When Honey is home write him a letter and stick it in the mailbox now and then. 

Express your appreciation of what you receive.  If needed express how much you would appreciate a letter and would like one in return...in return.  Don't expect him to write if your not.  Your working hard?  To hard to write the one you love? Give what you hope to receive.

And the bitter:  the bitter side is that hopes and dreams can become unrealistic and broken promises (on both sides).  Honey's first stint in our relationahip was filled with such letters.  I made 8 scrape books.  He bundled and used his as weights to work out with lol (I wrote daily, about 12 pages lol).  I thought I'd read through them always.  I do cherish them but they are filled with the bitter broken promises and dreams.  Sometimes such words are a straight up con job.  Sometimes they are just dreams and guilt without intent to put in the work to fulfill them. 

This time I told Honey to make promises that were achievable and honest.  Such as "I will go to AA" vs "I will never drink again".  The later is impossible to promise, but possible to achieve if the first is a promise kept.  It goes both ways.  "I'll never leave you no matter what".  Really?  What if he drinks, steals, hits up women for free drinks, doesn't go to AA?".  Can you promise all that?  Make boundaries together.  Promise to be in it together through the good and bad.  That means together, not just you.  So if he fails to try you have an honest out.  Can you be by his side through the bad?  Are you ready for it?  Addictions doesn't have an emergency stop button.  It can take time, their will be falls before long term sobriety. 

Honey and I promised honesty.  He kept that.  He said "I can't stops drinking, I know I will when I'm out".  I've asked that instead he work on the issues that lead him to drinking.  I'm waiting for the reply.  He agreed to figure out boundaries together. 
Do not let each other quit.  Love through the struggle by learning what it truly is.  Make changes.  I don't drink cuz Honey is an alcoholic and I am his safe person.  I don't partake in criminal behavior.  I ditched my best friend cuz being around her exposed him to behavior that could tempt a return to criminal activities and / or addictions.  This was a promise I knew I could keep. 

Its all a work in progress.  Honesty, feelings, support, humour and time and efforts into a good letter are the key.  Write the letters you'd like to receive and in turn you'll have reason to stalk the mailman too. 

Dear Honey, I read an article on addictiob

I just finished reading an article in the Huffington Post here. 

In summary it says addiction isn't a disease or a chemical hook, its lack of human connection, pain, suffering and isolation. 

Jailing people for addictions, leaving them with the fallouts of a criminal record is a good way to assure addictions. 

Thing is I have said so many times; Honey needs therapy for the issues that cause him so much emotional pain.  If this article is accurate the. Yes he needs that. He needs me, our family, his parents and siblings.  A happy home.  We need to get back to being actively doing things.  Games, books, snuggles etc.  Cuz to cure addictions we need happiness, love, a good life.  And I font mean riches, there are plenty of rich addicts, but human comforts.  End the struggle. 

What sends Honey to drink?  Disappointment, hurt, stress. 

This article gives me hope.  And it makes sense.  I was always told once an addict, always an addict.  I've been clean 19 1/2 years and not only have I had no desire to use in a good 14 years, the idea sickens me.  I can (and have to much negative response), say I am not in any way an addict, I am somehow cured.  I've met others like me.  We share something in common: happiness. 

People look at my Native people and our propensity for addictions.  Its not in our blood or genes.  Its in the miserable freaking lives we have as Canada and the US continue to colonize us.  Yes continue. 

Dear Honey, I promise to hold you, live you, play with you, ignore my cell phone for you, look into therapy with you.  To make us a strong connected family.  We can cure you together.  Your end of the deal is therapy, you've got to talk.  My end is unconditional love.  Through good times and bad times.  

Dear Honey, Nobody understands

Ok so yes there are other people in my shoes and they understand but it feels like I'm in this alone. 

Thing is, that's exactly how Honey feels.  He feels like the Only Native to ever be scooped,   have his identity issues, be an alcoholic, be in and out of jail, and get screwed by the system.  Yes some of his sentences are prime examples of racism and yes he admits to be guilty, but how many white guys get 13 months for a breech?  Not many.  But brown people know this to well.

Of course there are thousands who feel just like Honey.  Probably millions who feel just like me.  But when your in it, it can feel very lonely and isolating.  Mostly cuz the fear of judgement makes it really hard to speak those deepest hurts. 

As a result Honey will have reoccurring falls off the wagon.  As a result I'm sitting at home with hair I haven't brushed in two days, needing to go outside, unable to make myself do it.  My next step after this blog post is to try and do that. 

I feel alone.  I want to reach out and have someone respond.  I will not tell Honey I'm lonely.  I pick my words carefully.  A man in jail is afraid a lonely wife will seek another man.  I never have, I never will.  I'm lonely cuz my soulmate is locked up and I can't talk to him.  No other person can substitute that. 

Dear Honey, I love you, I miss you.  I need you.  Your my lover, my best friend, my soulmate.  My heart is locked up with you. 

I wish that when I reach into the darkness with my words, that I'd hear a voice back saying "I know exactly how you feel, I'm lost without my Honey too".  I could take some small comfort in knowing this is how Honey feels but instead it hurts my heart knowing his pain. 
That said it be worse if I was oblivious to it. 

Dear Honey, I had an all day cleaning day today

Dear Honey, I had an all day cleaning day today.  I've been doing regular household chores, holding things together of course but today was a dig in and deep clean day.  The chore of the day was tackling the storage closet that you really wanted to be more functional.  Well I'm almost there.  Took a bunch of stuff to donate when I was done.  Phew, I'm tired lol but does it ever feel good. :)

If your just starting this journey for the first time you might he thinking "like he cares".

If your Honey has never been to jail before or is about to go cuz he's on bail and awaiting sentencing; listen up. 

If you've done this tour with your honey several times before (especially if he is or has done pen time like my Honey has in the past) then you know this is his favorite letter if the week and he hopes to get such a letter regularly lol.  Especially the cleaning for your homecoming letter. 

Ex-cons are clean freaks.  They live in a very dirty place inside.  In very close and cramped quarters.  So they clean.  My Honey scrubs those cement floors and bricks by hand with a rag.  He cleans the bars on his cell, the bunk, table, toilet, all of it.  And he keeps his hygiene in top shape.  He does this at home too.  Its awesome, every woman's dream lol.  So he likes these letters.  It shows I respect his preferences, the work he does around the house and maintain that when he is gone.  Let's him feel I'm not totally falling apart.  Doing it is sometimes what holds me together. 

Is there a downside?  Yeah, there is.  Alcoholics are mean when looking to drink.  They are in a self loathing mode and so they say mean shit.  So in those moments my cleaning is never as good as his.  That sucks.  He doesn't "look" like he is an alcoholic (if your the type to picture a stereotype).  He had a psychiatrist who said he was to together to really be an alcoholic.  That cut Honey to the bone.  He got a new doctor though.  He can easily fool workers, po's into believing all is good.  That's good and bad, it interferes with getting real help, but keeps him out of jail.  But that is the nature of probation anyway. 

So if your Honey is looking at his first time inside, warn him.  Being unclean, stinky or unkempt is a good way to get a beat down.  And tossed from your cell by your celly to live with another dirty slob.  You thought men were slobs?, not cons.  Cuz when your "house" is a tiny space likely the size if your bathroom at home and you share it with one or two other guys, cleanliness really is next to godliness. 

Well honey is gonna love this letter, that's for sure :)    

Dear Honey, baby has new teeth

Mine and Honey's baby has gotten a lot of new teeth lately.  I was excited to show him at our visit but he was shipped to different jail so it never happened.  Honey will get home about the time baby turns 10 months.  My kids have learned to walk on their own during their 9th and 10th month.  Having Honey miss all these teeth come in worries me that he will miss baby's first steps. 

I'm sure its devastating to miss milestones in your baby's life cuz your in jail.  I hope this is incentive to work on issues, not go back.  But I worry it could also have the opposite effect of giving up.  Honey feeling so lost he gives up is a big worry of mine.

It's hard being the partner on the outside too, the mom on the outside.  It hurts knowing what he is missing, wondering what else he will miss.  It hurts not sharing these special moments together as planned. 

Dear Honey, baby has new teeth, his smile is growing up and so adorable.  I want you to see it.  I wish you were here to share this with me.  Please me good in there.  I want you home as soon as possible.

Dear Honey; they shipped you today

Today I had arrangements with a friend to visit honey and bring him canteen money.  Sometimes I pay gas, sometimes someone offers and sometimes I barter.  I bartered cuz I'm pretty good at crafts and home making skills.  Then like any experienced jail wife I called in the morning.  You gotta make sure Honey isn't in the hole or the hospital.  All was good.  So we travelled to the jail (its not in the town I live in).  Got there, got in.  The gaurd at the visiting gate is a friendly Lady.  She called for Honey to be sent down while I got mine and baby's ID ready, snow gear off etc.  Then she was chatting on the phone.  I waited.  Honey had been shipped 15 min prior to the start of visiting time.  She was thoughtful enough to apologize and explain they don't let out transport details so she didn't know when I called. 

I missed Honey by 45 min.  Arriving earlier wouldn't have helped cuz visits had only started 30 minutes before I got there. 

I can only imagine Honey's reaction when he discovered he was being shipped 15 min before visits.  He knew I was likely coming.  That I was bringing him canteen money. 

I wrote as soon as I for home but it will be a week till he gets it.  I'll call in the morning to tell the Native Liaison to have him call my parents when I visit them next.  That will key Honey know right away that I did come, and I know what happened.

Dear Honey, you got shipped today.  I came, I came to visit like I said I would but they shipped you just before the start of visits.  I miss you.  I wanted to see you.  I wanted to hear your voice.  You'll be waiting even longer for letters.  At least I know right away and can send this one to the new jail.  Its 3 hours away.  I have no idea bow I will visit.  I was looking forward to visits cuz I thought you'd be near by this time.  I hate where thru shipped you; it's far, its a super jail, and I know all the problems that brings.  Oh Honey my heart is breaking today.  I'm just so disappointed.  Write me sweet letters lots.  Play poker hard.  I'm sending money but I remember you being in this jail before and how little they feed you, the crappy pre-prepped food that resembles a TV dinner.  Stay safe.  You hear me Honey?  Please for me stay safe! 

If your a partner or family member of someone in jail, this is a situation that just sucks.  Your life is effected by each decision the jail makes.  And no one cares.  It's not about you in their eyes.  Many act like its your fault for loving a con.  Guards like the one at the visitor gate are rare.  She is always sympathetic.  Some how the system hasn't gotten to her heart.  When you go visiting or call the jail or prison where your loved one is, be polite.  Rudeness and anger will get you no where.  But if your polite you will find such employees and finding them will make this easier on you.  For me I have found this kind heart in the gate guard a the Women who works in the mail room at the nearby jail.  Also the super jail where Honey is has a super nice Native Liaison.  I mention this cuz this rare kindness deserves recognition. 

Dear Honey, I wish i could fix you

I cry sometimes.  I cry sometimes when Honey is in jail and when Honey is out of jail.  I wish I could cure him of alcoholism.  I wish baby was all he needed for long term sobriety.  I wish I was all he needed. 

The really painful truth is Honey will be an alcoholic till he sees the good in him, gets help in dealing with stress, disappointment and identity /  adoption issues.  I know this. Honey knows at least some of this. 

And yet I fantasize up solutions that will bring him his forced and eventually accepted sobriety.  We can live in the woods, with my bible thumping parents!  Wow extreme.  It would actually be a major help. If they drove him to and from his addictions worker and mental health worker (like a chaperone),  it might really work, well once probation is over cuz till then he can't say "I'm drinking and I need help". That could land him back in jail.  We are going to ask if they will allow him to speak candidly.  I hope so. 

All I want is to make him better and I can't.  He has to do it.  I can hold his hand, stand beside him and love him.  But still I fantasize about it like I said.  Every now and then he gets a letter (I mailed such a letter today), proposing these crazy schemes. 

Dear Honey, I love you.  Let's go live in the middle of no where without a car  so you can never get to a liquor store.  When we have to go into town we will be chaperoned by my parents.  Ok I know that's a stupid plan that sounds kinda like jail but nicer and with family but I just want to be a happy family and you might not know this but your only Happy when your not pissed drunk.  I'm sorry your getting a crazy letter cuz I'm crying but I love you.  If I can't tell you this who can I tell.  So sorry about the letter but I love you and sometimes that means coming up with crazy ideas.  You can tell me it's crazy that's OK.  But if you like the idea let me know. 

Yes I really say all that.  Oh the letters Men get in jail from the Women at home.  It hurts to be that woman.  Sometimes it brings some needed relief.  I never believed my friend Tee when she would say "oh it's a nice break".  This is the first time I get that. Still hurts, still cry cuz I miss him but yeah its a break from the throws of alcoholism. 

Honey sometimes wants a short stint in jail.  When he feels a binge coming on, or is in one and wants out.  He wants jail then cuz he knows he can't drink there.  Crazy huh?  But that's how it can be. 

I'm still the optimist, well at times.  I hope it gives him enough clarity to really want sobriety when he's out.  Problem is, wanting isn't enough.  He has to work through some hard ass stuff to get it.  You know what I really wish?  I wish that every time a person is released from jail with a drug or alcohol charge that they automatically did time in rehab.  Or spend some money hiring addictions workers and doctors.  Have every guy in there do mandatory daily group sessions, weekly lectures and one on one 2-3 times a week.  Yeah it would cost a tonne but guess what? People would actually be rehabilitated.  And yes some would re-offend but not as many, not as often.  I bet that if that's how they ran jail, as mandatory rehabs with bars on the windows, that guys like Honey would find their peace, would end their cycle.  And that isn't a crazy plan.  Only thing crazy is thinking the government would do that.  Might need less cops, jail guards, judges.  Yeah but we would have a healthier society.  And the rest of us who aren't cops etc would like that.

Dear Honey, I deserve to be loved by the Man I love

I hate hearing that I deserve better.  I deserve what every good Woman deserves.  To be loved my the Man I love. 

No one says this when he's being Honey of the year.  No one says this when he cleans, cooks, plays with baby, changes cloth diapers, helps teens with homework, talks to them about making better decisions then him, tells me to take a nap, supports my ideas etc etc. 

Here's a back story:  I once had perfect teeth. Then I had two pregnancies back to back where I had morning sickness till the day I gave birth.  The acid from all the puking destroyed my teeth.  And I'm a poor Native woman scooped from the States so forget your ideas of government funded dental care.  So one day I'm eating beef jerky and a tooth crumbles.  I ball my eyes out.  I'm devastated cuz its not a back tooth, it's visible if I smile.  Honey holds me tight till I'm done crying.  He tells me I'm beautiful, I'll always be beautiful even when I'm an old Native granny with no teeth.  But seriously I'm beautiful. 

Yep that's the love I deserve.

Dear Honey I deserve the amazing love you give me.  If you find that lacking at times, strive harder.  And  Honey you deserve the best love too.  I love you faults and all.  I really do.  I wish and pray that one day you'll fight harder against your alcoholism.  Thing is Honey, that's not gonna happen till you understand that you do deserve my love. 

And that folks is the issue.  Honey can't see past being an alcoholic.  That's how he sees himself.  I tell him all the other good things but he doesn't see it.  It can be hard.  In his worst moments when he really hates himself; he can't love in those moments.  And then the ugly selfish mean spirited alcoholic shows through.  But most of the time my Honey loves me too. 

Dear Honey, my friends suck

Ok, I don't have many friends.  Honey is my best friend.  We spend most of our time together.  We are picky who we spend our time with.  It's not cuz of Honey.  Actually just prior to meeting Honey I had left my ex and spent the next year learning who was and wasn't a friend.  I am pickier now. 

But I do have a few friends.  They say "you deserve better".  Honey says this too.  My parents adore Honey (cuz like I said, he's a sweetheart).  But mom asks if this is really the rollercoaster I want in life.  One friend, Susy, she just listens.  Cuz like she says, she doesn't have to live with my choices, I do.  Susy's hubby is an alcoholic too.  He isn't in and out of jail though.  Him and Susy are older then Honey and I and her hubby is white.  Trust me it makes a difference. 

I know I can't save my Honey or change him.  I can only support him.  I know he is an alcoholic and it's a disease and not so easy to choose.  Want to know what else I know?  I know he can fight harder and win.  I know cuz I was an addict, I'm 19 1/2 years clean.  I also known that it sucks when friends love a chance to lecture and be self righteous and give bad advice. 

Yeah bad freaking advice!  And stupidly I took it.  I gave Honey an ultimatum to stop drinking.  Previously I have always said its his choice not mine.  But I listened.  The supposed magic cure is to be an asshole back, and act like the relationship is decided by one person (me) and give an ultimatum.  Luckily when I told Aunty she opened my eyes to this advice.  Asked if that's the kind of relationship I wanted.  Asked how I'd react to an ultimatum. 

Thankfully I got a ride from Susy to visit in jail and apologize for the coming letter. 

Dear Honey it makes me cry that you don't fight harder for sobriety, it makes me feel like I'm not worth it.  That said I'm sorry.  I thought for a moment that I could fix things with an ultimatum.  I didn't know.  I didn't realize how it would sound, how selfish and one sided and I'm sorry cuz I love you. 

Honey is sorry too.  We agree we will work out boundaries.  I worry that Honey doesn't understand compromise.  Cuz you know what else I know?  I know that alcoholics are selfish.  But hey, we have a month and a half to figure this out. 

Dear Honey, I'm sorry you cant come home tonight.

It was a Thursday night.  A kitten peed on the cloth diapers.  I prepped then to wash.  Honey had an excuse to drink. 

Friday afternoon Honey called, he was downtown, drinking with the downtown alcoholics (I could here then in the background).  Honey is very honest ,  which is unusual for an alcoholic.  He also admits he is an alcoholic.  I say "Sorry Honey you can't come home".  I love him, I tell him I do, he tells me he loves me too.  And I cry and I cry.

Honey calls 14 times that night.  I answer 7 of them before turning off the phone to sleep.  The calls make me cry.  I feel awful knowing how hurt he feels.  But I know it is for the best.  Letting him come home tonight would be a bad choice and we have a baby I have to think about.  I also have teenagers I have to think about.  They are proud I stand my ground, sorry it hurts, and they miss him too.  Honey is a sweetie pie.  Tuff to the world, sweet and child like to us.  But sometimes when he is drunk he is an asshole who says the most hurtful things in an attempt to make himself feel better. That's not fair to the kids.  I know he has had a violent past (he has told me), I work to make sure it doesn't become our present.  I make the hard choices

Saturday his friend calls.  His friend lives 2 blocks from us, beside the cop shop.  Honey was so drunk he was stumbling and falling as he walked.  A cop seen this, pulled over and discovered honey was on probation.  Honey is arrested, right outside the cop shop.  Its noon.  He was heading home cuz it's all he knows how to do; come hone and sleep it off.  The binge was over but we weren't home and he never made it those last 2 blocks. 

My first reaction is "No,  No, No" and I cry.  His friend (the only one of them I like other then the work friends), tells me don't cry,  it will be ok.  I listen.  It will be.  I stop crying cuz actually not only is it ok, it could be a good thing....just please don't let this extend probation. 

Honey never called me with his one phone call.  Apparently he never got that phone call. 

Honey I'm sorry you couldn't come that day.  It's not what I wanted but you left me no choice.  Honey I'm sorry your in jail but at least you'll have a chance to sober up.  Honey I love you.  Honey I know you love me too but I wish you could choose me over alcohol.  

Welcome to: Dear Honey, hows jail

Yes, my hubby is an alcoholic, yes he is in and out if jail, and yes I love him.  This blog doesn't have answers to what to do.  If I knew then there would be no reason for this blog. 

I'm writing this blog to let out my feelings, and hopefully share with others. 

I'm Lakota and Cajun.  Honey is Cree.  We were both part if what our people called the 60's scoop.  A time period between 1960 & 1985 where the Canadian and American governments (through child welfare agencies) took 80% if Native children and placed them in non-Native homes for the purpose of assimilation.  Under section 2(e) of the Geneva convention this is an act if genocide.  Although the policy is over, child welfare agencies in Canada continue the practice with the help of the Family law act, where simply having been a child of the system is enough reason to open a case on your family and / or scoop your kids. 

Honey and I have issues.  I have anxiety over abandonment.  Honey is am alcoholic.  He has been in and out if the corrections system since he started drinking at age 12.  He started drinking cuz his issue is identity; he tried to fit in.  Some of his charges are bad.  In the last 6 years (since getting out if the pen) Honey has been arrested once for theft of alcohol.  Every other charge has been breech of probation for drinking, at least once a year.  Consequently he hasn't been off probation. 

He hasn't gone to rehab, just jail. No there isn't rehab in jail.  Yes there is AA but he can't attend cuz he is in Maxi cuz of pen time.    He hasn't requested rehab (although he talks about it), cuz to request rehab means admitting to his PO he is drinking and needs help; requesting it means breeching himself so back to jail. 

He could make it off probation this time (just 3 1/2 months left after he is released from jail).  An added stress would be gone.  He could seek help.  I'm not holding my breath that he will.  So now you have some of the back story, onwards to blog entries