Ok, I don't have many friends. Honey is my best friend. We spend most of our time together. We are picky who we spend our time with. It's not cuz of Honey. Actually just prior to meeting Honey I had left my ex and spent the next year learning who was and wasn't a friend. I am pickier now.
But I do have a few friends. They say "you deserve better". Honey says this too. My parents adore Honey (cuz like I said, he's a sweetheart). But mom asks if this is really the rollercoaster I want in life. One friend, Susy, she just listens. Cuz like she says, she doesn't have to live with my choices, I do. Susy's hubby is an alcoholic too. He isn't in and out of jail though. Him and Susy are older then Honey and I and her hubby is white. Trust me it makes a difference.
I know I can't save my Honey or change him. I can only support him. I know he is an alcoholic and it's a disease and not so easy to choose. Want to know what else I know? I know he can fight harder and win. I know cuz I was an addict, I'm 19 1/2 years clean. I also known that it sucks when friends love a chance to lecture and be self righteous and give bad advice.
Yeah bad freaking advice! And stupidly I took it. I gave Honey an ultimatum to stop drinking. Previously I have always said its his choice not mine. But I listened. The supposed magic cure is to be an asshole back, and act like the relationship is decided by one person (me) and give an ultimatum. Luckily when I told Aunty she opened my eyes to this advice. Asked if that's the kind of relationship I wanted. Asked how I'd react to an ultimatum.
Thankfully I got a ride from Susy to visit in jail and apologize for the coming letter.
Dear Honey it makes me cry that you don't fight harder for sobriety, it makes me feel like I'm not worth it. That said I'm sorry. I thought for a moment that I could fix things with an ultimatum. I didn't know. I didn't realize how it would sound, how selfish and one sided and I'm sorry cuz I love you.
Honey is sorry too. We agree we will work out boundaries. I worry that Honey doesn't understand compromise. Cuz you know what else I know? I know that alcoholics are selfish. But hey, we have a month and a half to figure this out.
No comments:
Post a Comment