I cry sometimes. I cry sometimes when Honey is in jail and when Honey is out of jail. I wish I could cure him of alcoholism. I wish baby was all he needed for long term sobriety. I wish I was all he needed.
The really painful truth is Honey will be an alcoholic till he sees the good in him, gets help in dealing with stress, disappointment and identity / adoption issues. I know this. Honey knows at least some of this.
And yet I fantasize up solutions that will bring him his forced and eventually accepted sobriety. We can live in the woods, with my bible thumping parents! Wow extreme. It would actually be a major help. If they drove him to and from his addictions worker and mental health worker (like a chaperone), it might really work, well once probation is over cuz till then he can't say "I'm drinking and I need help". That could land him back in jail. We are going to ask if they will allow him to speak candidly. I hope so.
All I want is to make him better and I can't. He has to do it. I can hold his hand, stand beside him and love him. But still I fantasize about it like I said. Every now and then he gets a letter (I mailed such a letter today), proposing these crazy schemes.
Dear Honey, I love you. Let's go live in the middle of no where without a car so you can never get to a liquor store. When we have to go into town we will be chaperoned by my parents. Ok I know that's a stupid plan that sounds kinda like jail but nicer and with family but I just want to be a happy family and you might not know this but your only Happy when your not pissed drunk. I'm sorry your getting a crazy letter cuz I'm crying but I love you. If I can't tell you this who can I tell. So sorry about the letter but I love you and sometimes that means coming up with crazy ideas. You can tell me it's crazy that's OK. But if you like the idea let me know.
Yes I really say all that. Oh the letters Men get in jail from the Women at home. It hurts to be that woman. Sometimes it brings some needed relief. I never believed my friend Tee when she would say "oh it's a nice break". This is the first time I get that. Still hurts, still cry cuz I miss him but yeah its a break from the throws of alcoholism.
Honey sometimes wants a short stint in jail. When he feels a binge coming on, or is in one and wants out. He wants jail then cuz he knows he can't drink there. Crazy huh? But that's how it can be.
I'm still the optimist, well at times. I hope it gives him enough clarity to really want sobriety when he's out. Problem is, wanting isn't enough. He has to work through some hard ass stuff to get it. You know what I really wish? I wish that every time a person is released from jail with a drug or alcohol charge that they automatically did time in rehab. Or spend some money hiring addictions workers and doctors. Have every guy in there do mandatory daily group sessions, weekly lectures and one on one 2-3 times a week. Yeah it would cost a tonne but guess what? People would actually be rehabilitated. And yes some would re-offend but not as many, not as often. I bet that if that's how they ran jail, as mandatory rehabs with bars on the windows, that guys like Honey would find their peace, would end their cycle. And that isn't a crazy plan. Only thing crazy is thinking the government would do that. Might need less cops, jail guards, judges. Yeah but we would have a healthier society. And the rest of us who aren't cops etc would like that.
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