Dear Honey, Nobody understands

Ok so yes there are other people in my shoes and they understand but it feels like I'm in this alone. 

Thing is, that's exactly how Honey feels.  He feels like the Only Native to ever be scooped,   have his identity issues, be an alcoholic, be in and out of jail, and get screwed by the system.  Yes some of his sentences are prime examples of racism and yes he admits to be guilty, but how many white guys get 13 months for a breech?  Not many.  But brown people know this to well.

Of course there are thousands who feel just like Honey.  Probably millions who feel just like me.  But when your in it, it can feel very lonely and isolating.  Mostly cuz the fear of judgement makes it really hard to speak those deepest hurts. 

As a result Honey will have reoccurring falls off the wagon.  As a result I'm sitting at home with hair I haven't brushed in two days, needing to go outside, unable to make myself do it.  My next step after this blog post is to try and do that. 

I feel alone.  I want to reach out and have someone respond.  I will not tell Honey I'm lonely.  I pick my words carefully.  A man in jail is afraid a lonely wife will seek another man.  I never have, I never will.  I'm lonely cuz my soulmate is locked up and I can't talk to him.  No other person can substitute that. 

Dear Honey, I love you, I miss you.  I need you.  Your my lover, my best friend, my soulmate.  My heart is locked up with you. 

I wish that when I reach into the darkness with my words, that I'd hear a voice back saying "I know exactly how you feel, I'm lost without my Honey too".  I could take some small comfort in knowing this is how Honey feels but instead it hurts my heart knowing his pain. 
That said it be worse if I was oblivious to it.